Well since we are asking for self help.....

"thebigbossyboss" (thebigbossyboss) 07/01/2014 at 02:11 • Filed to: None

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Here's a situation I have no idea how to deal with.

A few weeks ago...one of my coworkers whom I have worked closely with for the last 5 years was away a few days. No big deal I thought, maybe he was on vacation or dealing with something or whatever.

Nope. They were away to have a sex change according to an email that was sent to the office.

My first reaction was "...wait...what did I just read?". It all felt a little surreal, but this is something I am going to have to eel with and I really don't know how.

When I see my coworker again...what should I say? What should I do? I hope I don't be startled...because when I see her (formerly him) I will be startled. How could I not be? Imagine if you knew someone for five years...and all of the sudden they rip off a mask and are someone different. How would you feel? That's how I feel.

I don't even know what to call this person. Previous they had a man's name. Should I continue using this name? Can I refer to the times I went drinking with "him" even though he is now a her, but was a him back then?

How can I make this less awkward? Seriously, all the stuff I have read online is such garbage its like "don't ask about how they have sex"...."don't ask about their surgical procedures."

Yeah thanks....wasn't going to ask.

Oppo......help!!!?!?!?!?!

Mailbu for your time.

GeorgeyBoy > thebigbossyboss 07/01/2014 at 02:21

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I'd probably just acknowledge their change, like ask them their name, then act like it never happened.

Either way that's pretty awkward.

ReallyColorful > thebigbossyboss 07/01/2014 at 02:23

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That's a tough one. Was this an official email of sorts or just something that went around amongst coworkers?

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > thebigbossyboss 07/01/2014 at 02:29

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No joke, talk to them about their hobbies and interests. I said before on here that a lot of LGBQTFGDJHEHJVRJJKFGREBJKWEK however the hell that acronym or whatever goes but a lot of "alternatative sexual/gender orientation" people are into cars and gadgets. When my friend went through their change, talking about and working on their westfalia van became a sort of therapy. It wasn't physical surgery, just that day where "he" became "she" in their eyes (I don't know how far along they are so I won't use gendered identifiers out of ignorance......and kinda respect but mostly so I don't look like a total ass).But being able to talk about something that wasn't their own identity seeme dto help. I suggest the same. Soemone has to break through and just sorta go "Okay, cool, but really the world will keep spinning so let's just get back to business" and talk about work/hobby topics. It is quite improtant that their life retain its normalcy. It would make zero sense to make the change and then spend decades being "the person who changed gender". Plus it will help you deal with it. When you talk about work, how often are you really thinking about the gender or sexual identity of your coworkers? Exactly.

One last time - talk about something "normal" if you talk to them. Welcome them back to life, as it were.

AM3R > thebigbossyboss 07/01/2014 at 02:32

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I went through something sort of similar back in the 8th grade I think.

One of my classmates had cancer and was gone for most of the start of middle school. In the 8th grade he was in remission and we had a class together, and we were 2 of 3 boys in the class so naturally we all became pretty good friends.

One day we noticed he hadn't been in class for over a week, we just thought he had the flu or left early for a vacation (it was around spring break). Soon our teacher told us that she was in touch with his mom, and that his leg had to be amputated due to the cancer. On his left leg his foot was basically attached to his knee when he came back. Me and the other guy in the class were COMPLETELY nervous when we heard he was coming back. We were glad he was healthy again and that he wouldn't even be in a wheel chair (he was great on crutches) but at the same time we didn't know how we should act.

When he came back it was uncomfortable at first, but things were quickly back to normal after we realized he was still the same. He never talked about the amputation, and we never asked about it. He moved to a boarding school that next year because he was a military kid and didn't want to keep moving around in high school but we kept in touch.

I know this doesn't completely relate, but I hope it somewhat helps. Try to keep the work relationship as normal as possible, especially if you have to collaborate at work. It's totally understandable that you'd be uncomfortable hanging out with that person outside of the office at first so don't feel too bad.

oldirtybootz > thebigbossyboss 07/01/2014 at 02:34

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Hope they get a different job to avoid the awkwardness? There's nothing wrong with it but it creates this awkward situation for you. I suppose just talk to him/her. It's not like his personality will be different so just talk to her about it and ask the questions you need to ask. He can't make that drastic of a change and not expect friends and coworkers not to have questions. Personally, I don't think I'd have a problem asking those questions if we were friends before.

Anon > thebigbossyboss 07/01/2014 at 02:54

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It takes someone a lot of courage to do something like that. I mean they're going to expect you to acknowledge that it happened and maybe be awkward around them. If you completely ignore it they're going to know that you're faking it. Be supportive. It will be awkward at first but just keep on with it and you'll get used to it. Also, feminine pronouns, if they went through that much effort to change the way they look, they more than likely want you to refer to them by that look's pronoun. That's just my 2 cents.

Axial > oldirtybootz 07/01/2014 at 05:40

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You would be surprised at how much your personality depends on the chemicals coursing through your veins.

firesharter > thebigbossyboss 07/01/2014 at 06:46

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First morning back in the office - Break the ice with "Good morning, dickless!"

BJ > thebigbossyboss 07/01/2014 at 06:48

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If your office sent out an email about the gender reassignment, they'll likely send out another with an official name change notice. If not, simply ask how your coworker wants to be called, and go on with business. The rest will fall in place with time.

thebigbossyboss > ReallyColorful 07/01/2014 at 11:49

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Well it came from the coworker himself, he just wrote it to the whole office mailing list so official I guess.

thebigbossyboss > oldirtybootz 07/01/2014 at 11:54

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Yeah. He said he'd try to make it as comfortable as possible for us. We were never close friends, but occasionally we did some things outside work together and often wasted time together at work.

thebigbossyboss > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 07/01/2014 at 11:55

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Yeah agree. Thanks!

oldirtybootz > thebigbossyboss 07/01/2014 at 12:07

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Yeah I get ya, coworker status. But like I said he has to expect questions will be asked. Just keep an open mind.

ReallyColorful > thebigbossyboss 07/01/2014 at 12:40

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Wow... at least that's better than just coming back with boobs surprise style.